Suntok sa Buwan

Day four got us looking into Crystal Balls, similar to the one's you see in tiangge in Quiapo. We were four in our group and we are suppose to look into each other's past life. I have hesitations with all of the activity since day one, and I know that I cannot see, but feel but this time, I saw something and when I discharged the soft eyes, it stopped. We discussed what we saw, and when it was their turn to see into me, my supressed emotions emancipated. The feelings that I've been trying to control suddenly resurfaced.
One of my group mates sees me crying, alone and according to her, she wants to confort me but she had the feeling that I want to be left alone. I was alone and want to be left alone. I had to control myself from crying during the discussion so I have to use another defense mechanism again. I am aware of all my defenses.
Now I realized that I was an unhappy person trying to fool everyone that I am ok. That all is well within me. The feelings that I've been trying to suppress resurfaced and hit me and I cannot control it. I am loosing control, I need a release of this deep emotions of anger, helplessness and my unhappiness.
Shopping would not solve it, i simply want to get away. Sometimes I thought of hurting myself to know that I could still feel because after all of the defenses I've been using to cover my unhappiness has left me cold and unfeeling.